Psalm 51:12-17 - "Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you. Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."
As Christians, most of us sooner or later become fed up with the theology, with not hearing from God, or just this machine called Christianity. Some of us, like Donald Miller, think it has become too showy...too much like someone is trying to sell us something that is incredibly broken. Others of us just slip into a a state of not caring about stuff that we know deep down we care about. My own struggle came when I was going through what some have deemed "the dark night of the soul." Have you ever been there? This was a time in my own life when God seemed so distant, so silent, that the loneliness and suffering was almost unbearable. To be honest, I hated God for so long. He had allowed things to take place that, in my opinion, made him not real. I am glad to say that I am not here any longer.
Through the work of his spirit and the the caring of friends, God granted me forgiveness in a way that I could not imagine and gave me back the joy that only he can give. I have a passion for my relationship with God and feel his presence guiding my footsteps. Because I am an analytical being, I have often wondered why God puts his children through their own personal "hells." The only answer I have come up with is that he wants to drive us to the very end of ourselves so that we realize our utter dependence on him. To be honest, he has to kill us before he came make us new. C.S. Lewis speaking from Christ's perspective puts it this way "Whatever suffering it may cost you in your earthy life , whatever inconceivable purification it may cost you after death, whatever it costs me, I will never rest, nor let you rest, until you are literally perfect - until my father can say without reservation that he is well pleased with you, as he said he is well pleased with me. This I can do and will do. But I will not do anything less." (Mere Christianity)
True worship and devotion to God is allowing him to do his work that is so painful in our lives, and then, just when we think he can't prune anything else out of our lives, praising and trusting him as we give the last little piece of our identity over to him. Usually, well...at least in my case this took a brokenness in my life from sin and from my life falling a part, but praise God that he carried me through this. He has given me so much freedom and so much responsibility, and has granted me such mercy.
I would love to tell you that this process was over. I would love to tell you that I am in heaven and God no longer is at war with me over my soul, but this is not the case. One of the starkest realizations that I have had is that the process of God breaking me and rethrowing me back onto his potter's wheel will never be over until I meet him face to face...and you know what? That is okay. My soul is ready, my heart is willing, though I need God's grace because my flesh is weak. This is a never ending process, restoration of joy and brokenness. Love and sacrifice. Dying to find true life. May we never forget to praise God for his love and sovereign will as he guides us through this journey called life.
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